My Life So far..

Then:

1) Weekly movie nights

2) Late nights out

3) Starbucks/Beanery/O’Farrell’s coffee binge

4) Dinner with friends

5) No feelings of uncomfortable silences/looks

6) Being myself(a geek,biarch,dumbo etc)

Now:

1) Fear of making others uncomfortable

2) Not knowing what went wrong

3) Uncomfortable silences/stares of death

4) No more movie nights

5) Fear of boring people by being me.

I have this constant fear that people are avoiding me, be it people from Beijing or Singapore (even though I know that everyone is busy with their everyday lives).  It doesn’t help that I haven’t been speaking much to my friends here & back home.  So the fear is always there.  I for one, hate making a decision about the situation but it’s something I have to do.

SoI have basically come to a conclusion that I should definitely chill out & lay low for a bit while I get rid of this irritating fear. 

I was really bored by 2.30pm today & decided to have an impromptu dress up session!

  See, this is what a day full of stress does to people!

They say dreams are a in some way your subconscious telling you something.  In my case, what exactly was it trying to tell me?!?

I haven’t had a dream in a long time but yesterday’s dream was just too amusing to forget.

It started with me just doing my usual, having coffee at Starbucks when my name gets called.  I look up & saw my new colleague- let’s call him ‘Baby Blue Eyes’.  He joined me & we started talking about stuff.  We had a pretty good time,laughing about the silly stuff at work & being all inquisitive about each others’ lives.  By then, it was dark & we decided to have dinner & drinks together.  It just kept going on & on like that until he dropped me at my place.

We were saying our goodbyes & I was about to close the door & he suddenly stuck his foot out & looked seriously at me & said…well he said some stuff which I felt was really sweet & then he leaned in & kissed me.  Awwwww…

And then, finally..I woke up, stunned…Why the hell did I dream of BBE!!??!! I was weirded out when I saw him at work & I couldn’t look him straight in the eye!  Sigh..imagine me, feeling shy just cos I had a dream about a guy…the lameness of it all!!

Well….TGIF!!

According to my esteemed accountant, I am to head out later tonight to Back Sea for a night of drinking & ‘people watching’.  Which means…I CAN HAVE HUTONG PIZZA!!!! YUMMY!

Anyone who’s interested in joining, please sms me ^_^!

Everyday at around 6.30pm, I pay a visit to the kindies who stay on campus just to mess around with them while they play. The youngest is 4 & the eldest is around 6. So far, I have been called plenty of names(the good kind..duh!They’re kids!)The fun thing about playing with them is that you don’t really have to be afraid of saying something wrong (which means no cussing for me)or hide anything from them. Afterall, all they want to do is to play.

Today they showed me how creative they were. There were these small magnetic strip things with ball bearings & they made a pyramid, a spinning top & other stuff which I found pretty cool. The youngest one, who never spoke in front of me finally said something to m in the tiniest voice & that got me excited for a bit until I realised all she said was..”See?” Heh..

Anyways, the school term is ending soon & the kiddies are heading to the Chinese Nationalities Park before that. I have never been there so I asked the admin staff who worked with me whether they were interested in joining the kiddies for the trip. They said yes but didn’t really dare ask the relevant “authority figure” so I figured, what the hell, it won’t hurt to ask & so I did & the R.A said..YES! Bwhahahahaah!! Ask & you shall be given! ^_^. So yeah, I might just join them for the fun of it!

You know you’re really bored when you :

…..start cam-whoring….

I have entered the Kingdom of LAN Gaming!!  The 3 geeks cum freaks that I know have all set up their lappies/PC, ready for some ‘action’ while I sit across them, amazed at how they’re so into gaming!

Anyways, I’m actually just waiting for the car to come pick me up & since I have time, I thought I should just blog.  And since these guys are in front of me, I guess I should just blog about this:

"TASTE THE DAYDREAM"

I saw this slogan at Starbucks earlier today & it basically was for a new Red Bean flavoured frappacino!  I had an "interesting" conversation which involved an orifice, a part of the male anatomy & the girl’s thoughts.  I shall not go into details for that part but the mental picture based on the slogan is really stuck in my head right now. Sigh..

Another thing stuck in my head right now is a kiddie song called "Down by the bay" that I’ve heard every Friday morning at assembly for the past 3 weeks.  The kids are so into the song and seriously, it can really be quite fun to sing along to the song when you’re half awake in the hall. Another Sigh….

Here I am sitting at the front desk, doing nothing other than waiting for the newsletter to finish printing out. Undoubtedly one of the most lamest things I’ve done so far but I gotta do what I gotta do eh..

So far, it has been interesting enough learning ‘the ways’ of this place but I am no where near learning everything. At least I am communicating more with the Satays & the Bongkaks & it helps me to not feel like I’m a total outsider here.

And of course since I’ve been here, I have been given a couple of new names(Chen Cheng is what the kiddies call me-don’t really know why thou’) I have to say that these kids are far easier to deal with than the older ones so it seriously hasn’t been that bad for me.

As for my personal life, I’ve only managed to have a ‘life’ on the weekends or at least on a weekend. I still need to catch up with my dear Punker & Mrs Punker( We should meet up for dinner soon!!) but it will have to wait till I’m not as bogged down as now..

Until next time..

P.s: I suddenly had the urge to call my frens in SG..Hmm..I miss you guys..

*This is a rant about me being insecure and pms-y.  So just take everything I say with a whole fistful of salt.

I have been feeling unattractive, unloved, unwanted, unappreciated & unsure about myself.  Yes, I know what you will say.."But you are loved,wanted,etc..etc".  Heck, just because you said it doesn’t mean I’ll believe it. 

I just want my head to be clear for once.  No doubts about relationships, work, money.  But that’s not going to happen anytime soon is it…  No one wants to tell me to my face if I’ve done anything wrong or if I’ve done anything that gets me the cold shoulder from them or if I’m still "in" or if I’m even wanted.  People must seriously assume that I’m either a total bitch who’s going to get pissed immediately without any valid reason or someone who’s too fragile to handle the truth. 

You know what, even if I was, I’d still want to know.  Knowing beats guessing & when I start guessing about things, it can lead to a lot of paranoia & (which I’m extremely prone to) on my part. 

This is something I have been saying many,many times & I’m sick of saying it over & over again. 

Yes, I’m not in Singapore..So don’t try calling my mobile.

Yes, I’m back in Beijing..So deal with it.